Sunday, August 5, 2007

Telling Stories on your Kids (Story # 1)

I was recently inspired by a fellow parent to create this post. I believe I will make it a frequent occurrence.

My daughter would be horrified if she found out I told this story on her, but she's 12 now and I'm Daddy, so it's my job, right?

So, here she was in her crib. Mommy was working swing shifts so it was just Daddy and, at that time, two kids. She hadn't, at this point, learned to climb out of her crib yet, or I'd have been in deeper doodoo than I was. (you'll see the hilarity of that in a moment)

It was summer time so the oldest one wasn't in school yet and I didn't have to be up too early, except that I did because my daughter was producing hideous little giggles from her room at 0600. After about 5 minutes of rolling around in bed wondering what she thought was so amusing as such an early hour, I decided that this was not normal behavior and got up to "find the funny".

After tossing on a bath robe, I peered into her room and found that my darling little princess had completely disrobed herself, diaper included. The contents of said diaper had become the material for her "creative expressionist period" as she had used the poopoo to "finger paint" the walls and her crib. She had applied the poopoo as "war paint" on her face and body.

One of those "OH...MY...GOD"s spilled from my mouth as my still sleepy brain processed the scene trying to produce a course of action. It was at this point that my daughter noticed I was standing in the doorway. She slowly pulled the corners of her mouth upward with her cheek muscles to show me, not the figurative, but the literal definition of "shit eating grin". Another "OH...MY...GOD"

Now, my brain and my body decided not to cooperate.

BRAIN: Go turn on the bath.

BODY: ::walks over to the crib::

BRAIN: Don't pick her up with your bare hands!

BODY: ::reaches out to meet the awaiting little arms in the crib::

BRAIN: Dude, you smell that?

BODY: ::gags::

There's nothing like the threat of vomiting to make your brain and body sync up. I admit it. I have a weak stomach and certain situations just set it off. In this case, I could have taken the sight or the smell, but not both in harmony. What to do...

To the shock and dismay of her highness, I turned around and left the room and started the bath. A few more minutes in her present condition wouldn't hurt her, right? I went to the linen closet, grabbed a towel, and wrapped it around my face. "Better to smell fabric softener and deal with the sight", I thought.

I turned off the bath and went to retrieve the little princess. As I walked back into her room, she looked up at me again, eyes big like golf balls in sharp contrast to her newly acquired skin tone. Then came roaring toddler laughter. The kind that is contagious to adults. So now, against my own wishes, I was laughing along with her, even though the situation wasn't the least bit comical to me. I reached out to pick her up.

BRAIN: Bare hands, dude.

Oh, hell. What to do... I took a deep breath, inhaling as much Downy scented air as my lungs could hold, unwrapped my face turban, wrapped it around my "little stinker" of a daughter and carried her to the bath, dreading the bedroom clean-up more than the bath itself.

A few extra minutes won't hurt her my eye! It's amazing that discovery dawns on people in times of crisis. In my case, I discovered that the water content in poopoo evaporates quickly when spread thin and exposed to toddler body heat. I also discovered that it does not reconstitute in bath water.

Fortunately, my little princess decided that the rewards of artistry did not outweigh the costs of the ensuing scrub down that followed and she did not repeat this malodorous behavior. Well, maybe she decided that, or maybe it was because Daddy started getting up before she did to prevent such things from happening again.


liberal army wife said...

Oh... yeah.. our son did that too... but painted the walls, the crib, himself, sheets, etc. Even the DOG wouldn't go in the room.


Non-Essential Equipment said...

Oh boy. I really hope we don't hit this milestone.

My mother says I did something similar when I was a toddler and I think she is sitting at home wishing for payback at the hands of her grandson.

Scully's Moulder said...

Neither of my boys did that. I guess we were fortunate in that regard. Gotta look out for that "Mother's Curse" though. ;)